--- title: "Dialectical Thinking in Therapy | Nebraska and Rhode Island" url: https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/how-i-work/dialectical-thinking description: "Trading either/or for both/and: how dialectical thinking from DBT helps with relationships, grief, and self-talk. In person in Omaha, and online." lang: en --- Skip to content How I work # Dialectical thinking A lot of stuck places in a life are built out of either/or. I am strong or I am struggling. They love me or they are leaving. Dialectical thinking is the practice of letting both halves be true. Image: Sunlight over golden prairie grass and a winding creek, with trees on the horizon (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/assets/prairie-DqzXedHk.jpg) ## What does dialectical mean in everyday life? A dialectic is two things that seem to contradict each other and are both true. The two strokes in this practice's logo come from that idea. In ordinary life it sounds like this: I love my partner, and I am furious with them. I am proud of my service, and it cost me something real. Either/or thinking makes you pick a side and then argue with the evidence for the other one. Both/and thinking lets you stop arguing and deal with the whole picture, which is usually where the useful options are. ## Where does all-or-nothing thinking show up? In the words we use about ourselves and other people: always, never, ruined, completely, everyone, no one. You always do this. I never get anything right. The whole day is ruined. Words like these feel accurate in the moment and are almost never literally true. They also close off options. If the day is ruined, there is no point rescuing the evening. If you always get it wrong, there is no reason to try. Catching those words is one of the simplest ways to notice that your thinking has gone to one extreme. Swapping always for sometimes, or never for not yet, is often enough to bring the options back. ## How do I practice thinking this way? A few small habits help. Swap but for and. I want to go, but I am nervous, tends to cancel the plan. I want to go, and I am nervous, leaves room to go while nervous. The change is one word, and it changes what the sentence allows. Look for the middle path between two extremes, such as working every hour or quitting, or saying everything or saying nothing. And when you disagree with someone, look for the part of their view that holds up, even a small part. There almost always is one. ## How does this help in relationships? Arguments tend to harden into two positions, each defended as if the other must be wrong. Dialectical thinking allows that you each have a reasonable point, and that how you are arguing may matter more than who is right. That shift alone can lower the temperature of a conversation. It also helps with the most tangled feelings about the people closest to you: loving a parent who hurt you, missing someone who was difficult, wanting to stay and wanting to leave. Holding both is not indecision. It is honesty about a complicated situation. ## Is this just positive thinking? No. Positive thinking replaces a hard truth with a pleasant one. Dialectical thinking keeps the hard truth and sets the other true thing beside it. I am grieving, and I had a good day. Both stay. Neither cancels the other. This idea sits underneath DBT, my primary method, and it comes up in some form in nearly every session. Two things are true: you are doing your best, and you can do better. Learning to hold both is less a technique than a way of seeing, and it gets easier with practice. ## Both/and sentences worth practicing - I love them, and I am angry with them - I am proud of what I did, and it cost me - I am grieving, and I can still enjoy this - I want to change, and I am afraid of changing - This is hard, and I can handle hard things ## Questions people ask ### Is dialectical thinking the same as compromise? Not quite. Compromise splits the difference between two positions. Dialectical thinking looks for what is true in each position and builds from there, which sometimes leads to an answer neither person started with. Sometimes it does end in compromise, but one reached by understanding rather than by bargaining. ### Do I need to understand DBT to benefit from this? No. The idea is simple enough to use without any theory: notice when you are forcing a choice between two true things, and let both stay. I explain the background when it is useful, but the practice happens in ordinary sentences about your actual life. ### Can this help with self-criticism? It can. Self-criticism tends to be all-or-nothing: I failed, so I am a failure. Holding both halves sounds more like: I made a real mistake, and I am still a capable person who can repair it. The second sentence leaves you somewhere to go next. ## Where to go from here - DBT (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/how-i-work/dbt)The method built on this idea, and its four skill areas. - CBT (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/how-i-work/cbt)Checking a thought against the evidence before obeying it. - Relationship issues (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/concerns/relationship-issues)When two positions have hardened and both people feel unheard. - Grief and loss (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/concerns/grief-and-loss)Missing someone, and being allowed a good day anyway. - About Rodric (https://rodricmcclaincounseling.com/about)The person behind the practice, and why he works this way. ## Ready when you are. Therapy starts with a conversation. Send a short message and tell me what is going on, in your own words. We meet in person in Omaha, and online across Nebraska and Rhode Island. 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